The feel

It was the 10^th of July, 2009; around 10 in the night. The last day of my internship was over. I attended to a few daily chores (for the last time in Germany). I was getting a weird kind of feeling as the day to depart was around. I had to return a couple of books to the library at MPQ. Then I found some excuse to visit the laboratory I had been working in. After changing the names of a couple of folders in the computer, I was ready to leave. At that very moment I had this feeling. It dawned on me that I wanted more of it all. Back then I had told to myself that I would be getting a Ph.D. degree for myself. Everything was decided in a split second! I was dead sure. Certain that it was a thing I was “born” to do!

A couple of weeks and mind starts to get confused! What if I could somehow miraculously land up with a decent paying job? What if I find later on that I never had the temperament for research? What if the nice time I had this summer was only because the time was just a couple of months? Should I give CAT a try? Wouldn’t I be better off living in India rather than some foreign land? These and many more questions keep clarity at bay. I find myself sometimes “planning” to get a decent job and at the next moment hoping that I somehow get a nice Ph.D. offer. I’m afraid this is not the best way to prepare for either of the two.

Today morning, while listening to “Viva la vida” by Coldplay, one thought led to another and I got into the “Ph.D. karna hai” mood. I asked myself what are the two possibilities if I get a Ph.D. offer and end up taking it. I told myself that it would either turn out that I was indeed “born” to be a researcher; or, after a couple of years I might end up damn frustrated at being stuck in the wrong place. If it turned out that I have got a few research bones in me; my life would be a perfect romantic story; in view of the thoughts I have mentioned in the first paragraph. On the other hand if things turned out otherwise, my life could still be interpreted as a cool comedy flick with the hero being a total dumb ass; who actually thinks that he is “the dude”. Seems like a risk worth taking given my liking for either genres! ;)

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A week

It has been a happening week. Would have been so much better had it been otherwise. After the sad death, what followed was, to say the least, utter chaos. There has been a lot of debating/fighting/politicking going on regarding the past/future action(s). I have been totally confused. The useless fellow that I am; instead of doing anything, all that I have managed to do is ponder over a few things. Just trying to recollect some of it here!

 

Every child is taught some basic adjectives like right/wrong, correct/incorrect, good/bad etc. This seems to be so very simple. However, lately I have been wondering as to what is the difference (if at all) between right and wrong. Take for example the “fight” we students are having with the administration. Is it correct? Are we making use of the death of a fellow student to make things better for us? Is our fight for justice is just a cover-up for saving ourselves? Is the furore just a selfish trait?

 

There has also been a great deal of doubt regarding what I should/shouldn’t do. There are things that one doesn’t agree to. Still, people do certain things unwillingly in a group. This is, many a times, the correct thing to do. But, doesn’t this same feeling transform into “mob mentality”. Isn’t the same passive support of masses the reason why a few transgress, taking the multitudes with them!

 

The events of last week have not been easy on any of us. Suddenly all of us have started feeling vulnerable. Suddenly we are safe no more. The suddenness of it all has jolted us. We reacted in a way never before. I have been left surprised on umpteen occasions by the number of students gathering. I have also been proud to be one among the crowd. There have also been occasions aplenty when everything felt like lost. Everything a waste! Finally all we can do is fight. We are most probably going to lose this fight. (Sorry for the negative attitude!) However, apart from fighting, the least we can do “in the memory of Rohit” is to remember the circumstances that led to his death. No, not the non-availability of ambulance and stuff! What we really do need to remember, I guess, is that a young life was lost because a certain number of people chose to be ignorant and/or corrupt. Today we might be frustrated by the complexities and gandagi of it all. Today we may be thirsty for the administrations’ blood. Today we may be fighting for honesty and integrity. Tomorrow it will be upon us to ensure that we are not fighting honesty and integrity!

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