The feel

It was the 10^th of July, 2009; around 10 in the night. The last day of my internship was over. I attended to a few daily chores (for the last time in Germany). I was getting a weird kind of feeling as the day to depart was around. I had to return a couple of books to the library at MPQ. Then I found some excuse to visit the laboratory I had been working in. After changing the names of a couple of folders in the computer, I was ready to leave. At that very moment I had this feeling. It dawned on me that I wanted more of it all. Back then I had told to myself that I would be getting a Ph.D. degree for myself. Everything was decided in a split second! I was dead sure. Certain that it was a thing I was “born” to do!

A couple of weeks and mind starts to get confused! What if I could somehow miraculously land up with a decent paying job? What if I find later on that I never had the temperament for research? What if the nice time I had this summer was only because the time was just a couple of months? Should I give CAT a try? Wouldn’t I be better off living in India rather than some foreign land? These and many more questions keep clarity at bay. I find myself sometimes “planning” to get a decent job and at the next moment hoping that I somehow get a nice Ph.D. offer. I’m afraid this is not the best way to prepare for either of the two.

Today morning, while listening to “Viva la vida” by Coldplay, one thought led to another and I got into the “Ph.D. karna hai” mood. I asked myself what are the two possibilities if I get a Ph.D. offer and end up taking it. I told myself that it would either turn out that I was indeed “born” to be a researcher; or, after a couple of years I might end up damn frustrated at being stuck in the wrong place. If it turned out that I have got a few research bones in me; my life would be a perfect romantic story; in view of the thoughts I have mentioned in the first paragraph. On the other hand if things turned out otherwise, my life could still be interpreted as a cool comedy flick with the hero being a total dumb ass; who actually thinks that he is “the dude”. Seems like a risk worth taking given my liking for either genres! ;)

Travelling philosopher :D

A couple of random thoughts that came into my mind while traveling recently -

1. I was returning to Kharagpur from Kolkata by Howrah – Midnapore passenger train with a few friends. We all were tired. The train was almost empty. All was in suspended animation – the only exceptions being the train and a couple of small cobwebs at which I was staring blankly. They were waving violently. My mind was wandering. I began thinking about the uncertain future that lies ahead – getting a bit worried. Suddenly (and surprisingly) the cobwebs cheered me up a bit! I thought that even the cobwebs could be happy and proud. Proud to be able to hold their ground even against the blowing air; and happy to be living a life which was a roller coaster ride! I smiled; and could relax. It made me realize that whatever situation I myself in; I could possibly find honour and happiness – iff I cared to search hard enough!
2. I was at Dubai airport to catch a flight back to Kolkata. I was waiting for boarding to begin. There was a cute little boy sitting in front of me. He was holding some sweet, which he was nibbling once in a while, in a hand. His little legs were swinging to and fro. He was watching TV and seemed to be thinking something. I was jealous of his innocence and his state of passive bliss. I wondered whether I had ever been so blissful; oblivious of the world around me! Free of all the “practicalities” of life. I tried to picture myself at Chandrapura station acting somewhat similar to the boy I was watching. I couldn’t. Still, I pacified myself by telling myself that there was a good probability of me being in a similar state around a decade and a half earlier. Still, I did not know for sure. Sadly, this same boy had no clue as to how much he would miss being what he was at that very moment!